An old rant... republished

I don't understand why those around me feel it is necessary for me to conform to a construct they refuse to make available-- why they feel it necessary for me to have some sort of "ceremony" or big event before they will view my relationship as equally valid; so long, of course, as that ceremony or event isn't an actual marriage, because that would be immoral. Lady M and I have been pondering, with much distaste and apprehension, the possibility of putting together some sort of "reception" type thing this summer (as we plan to do a Civil Union in VT to make the eventual move go more smoothly). The problem here (other than that just not being our style) is that we have nothing to gain, personally (aside from the occasional blender or toaster, I guess) from this venture-- it would be completely for the benefit of others. Parents, friends, aunts, cousins, uncles-- many of whom barely accept the situation as it is (I guess 6 years hasn't been enough time to acclimate), yet urge us to do something to make our relationship seem more "real" to them; maybe, they feel, that would help. I was surprised to be talking to another lesbian/teacher/friend today and find that she has gotten a nearly identical response from people. What is the cultural trend goin' on right now which requires the straight people in a queer's orbit it schizophrenically request confirmation, but deny the right to the most direct legal route? Please... if you are out there and have any idea, enlighten me.

I'm tired---or I should be. Why can't I sleep these days without recurring nightmares? There's this place... a small town I would say, that has been showing up in my dreams for years and years... since I was in High School or Middle School, I'd say. I know the place inside out, how to get from one location to another, where to turn around if I get lost, where to get Chinese Food... its' really eerily familiar to me. One part of it in particular shows up in my dreams with disturbing frequency. It's a fairly large plot of Public Land... that kinda area that most people knew in HS as a place where people went to get drunk on Friday Nights. A pretty large space, usually occupied by lots of trees and a small stream, stretching for many, many acres, if not miles. Well, in one form or another, this "Public Land" area turns up from time to time, making it difficult to close my eyes. It is not a good place (to be redundant); bad things happen there. I've woken up screaming the past few nights, well, more yelling than screaming, if you can draw a line between the two. I've tried just about everything under the sun to relax, to get all the shit out of my head, but, it seems, to no avail. I want to know the meaning of this... I need a word, something short of evil... little park I dream of. I could swear that one day I'll stumble upon it...

::Shudder::

Wish me luck... (or at least peaceful sleep)...